Today’s Free Jokes

A teacher was asking the class what their parents did for a living. "Mike, you be first" she said. "What does your mother do?
Mike stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's lovely. How about you, Jane?"

Jane shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you Jane," said the teacher. "What about your father, Bill?"

Bill proudly stood up and announced, "My dad plays the piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Bill's house and rang the bell. Bill's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some kid of explanation.

Bill's dad said, "I'm actually an solicitor. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?".

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Hole In The Fence

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "10! 10! 10!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "11! 11! 11!

Man In Bar

A guy walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold beer. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, frowns and orders another. He gulps down that one and looks in his pocket again, frowns and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an 2 hours. Eventually the bartender bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business mate, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, frown and order another one". "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my misses in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home and face her.

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hand. People with documents in their hands look like hard working employees heading for big meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafe. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the toilet. Make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, there for you look like you work long into the night.

B - Use computers and look busy. Any time you use a computer it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, do your finances and generally have fun without doing anything related to work. When you get caught by your boss your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software therefore saving costly training.

C - Build huge piles of documents around your desk. To the onlooker, last year's work looks the same as today's work,  it's volume that counts. If you know somebody is coming to your work space, bury the document so it looks like you have loads of other work on as well.

D - Never answer your phone if you have an answer phone. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nowt,  they call you because they want you to do some work for them. Listen to all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like work, respond during their lunch hour. That way you're hardworking and they look like they are asking a very busy person.

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and wet night. As he got into the cemetery he heard a voice say, "Mark, Mark! Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark, Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop until he was well outside the cemetery gates. As he stopped to catch his breath the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.